Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Endings and New Beginnings

Let's start off by saying that this blog is being started as a way to cope.  I won't pretend there is some amazing reason I have decided to write other than the fact that I am unhappy and trying to move on.

I have been with the same person for a little over 2 years.  The first year was incredible.  We both knew that we were soul mates and meant to be together.  We moved in together in that year and things were alright but not amazing like I am now realizing they should have been.  Things were super rocky over the summer and his jealousy became a big issue.  I ended the relationship and moved out in August.  I moved into my new place on August first and was devastated but relieved.  It had been six months of manipulation and six months of only doing things on his terms.  I was blinded by love I suppose.  Later in August, something happened that I am not going to disclose.  But we had to come back together and handle said problem.  Of course it was nowhere near enough time apart to have moved on so we got back together.  Except things were different.  They felt different.  It seemed like we had both matured a little and the relationship felt okay.  We were having a lot of fun but again, it was always on his terms.  Things were different this time because I had expectations and a solid group of friends.  There was never a time where we did what I want because it was important to me.  It always had to be, "we will do what you want after we do this thing I want to do."  Most of the time I have no problem with this compromising and doing a little bit of both but, most of the time what he wanted to do would cut into the time for what I wanted.  Most of the time what I wanted to do would become less important and never happen.  There were always excuses and I was expected to just nod my head and be happy just for that fact that I got to be in his presence.  This was enough for while but I am a strong willed person and after always being pushed aside it was finally time to speak up.  Last week I started to speak up about this problem.  I thought it was reasonable.  I wanted him to be more involved in my life and do some of the things I wanted to do.  We had plans to spend the whole weekend together.  Friday morning we woke up (at his place) and I told him that the two things I wanted this weekend were to go on a hike with him and for him to come to a dinner party my roommate was hosting.  (a party he has known about for 3 weeks)  The plan was to go on the hike that day and then go to the party and he agreed.  There was nothing else going on this weekend so I was really happy to be able to do these things I wanted to do with him.  Friday turned into a day full of running his errands and not much else.  Then that night he got an invite to grab drinks for someone birthday during the same time as the party we were going to go to.  The one I wanted to go to.  When I made a comment about how we had plans already he got really angry at me.  In his eyes everything is always my fault.  That's how he sees every situation actually.  Everyone else is at fault for the things that are wrong in his life.  We ended up arguing about the situation in front of a bar where our friends band was playing for like 10 minutes before he walked away.  I went for a walk around the block and started thinking.  I reflected on the relationship and how in the back of my mind I always knew he wasn't going to come to this dinner party.  There was always going to be something else that he's rather do and what matters to me would not matter to him.  He had managed to turn it around into an argument that I try to make all of his relationships bad.  This is something he does on his own.  I started to see that all of the relationships he has with his mom, his dad, his brother, his sister, his child's mother, his coworkers, and the people he calls his best friends are all bad and the other person is always at fault for that relationship being bad.  


Even after seeing all of this and realizing all of this I decided that when we left I would try to calmly rationalize the discussion and explain to him the real reason I was upset.  I did this and he chose to get angry and storm into the house and yell at me.  I stood in the dining room of his house while he did dishes in silence waiting for something.  I don't know what just a sign that he would understand or a sign to run.  While I stood there upset because he had just verbally broken me down, like always, I decided to pack up my stuff and go home.  I was better than this situation and I deserved better.  I am such a stubborn person and I had been working too hard to fix something that would never get better unless I completely gave up who I was.

So I waited for him to come back to his room where I had already packed my car and then I ended things.  For a second time.  He just stared at me while I brokenly told him that this was over.  I sat in my car for about 5 minutes crying and he just closed the curtain and turned out the lights at his house.  I gathered myself and drove home and had a good cry.  It's been five days and I still can't shake this sick to my stomach feeling and the little flutter every time my phone buzzes hoping it's him saying he's sorry and that he needs me and that we belong together and that he is going to try harder.  I know that will never happen and I know that I can't let myself be involved with him anymore romantically.  On two occasions friend of mine and a counselor I had been talking to gave me a paper with 10 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.  Every single sign pointed to him and our relationship.  I am a strong person and never thought I would be involved in something like that but I now can see that I really lost myself when I was with him.  I guess it's just a matter of time before this awful feeling will go away.  Damn my impatience. 
 




2 comments:

  1. oh my. i am so sorry. i feel like i can relate to you even though i haven't really been through this. i have all kinds of stories i'm not even brave enough to share, though. it's so difficult. THAT STOMACH FEELING!!! it won't go away for a while!!! but it does. and you will forget what it ever felt like. all i can say is that it gets better. oh, does it get better.

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