There are a lot of things happening in my life. There are a lot of things I am looking forward to. There is a lot for me to be thankful for. I am trying to bring back that excited feeling I used to get when a new opportunity would present itself. I feel like I am just running through the motions of life and doing the bare minimum so that everyone thinks I am okay. I nod and smile but I don't participate. I just feel like I can't. It's my own damn fault for putting myself through this again but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I am tired of breaking. I am tired of fighting. I want nothing more than for life to make sense.
Last night I received an incredible gift from an old friend. We were best friends but in the end of the relationship I wasn't a very nice person and didn't give anyone a chance to explain themselves. I always get this awful feeling of sadness and disappointment when I look back on situations involving conflict. I am always the bad guy. I always react without thinking it through. I am impatient and want answers and resolution immediately. Why do I push away the people who love me? Why do I make it so hard for people to love me?
I'd like to snap out of this. Any day now, please? I leave next week for a work trip and I will be gone for 2 weeks. I hope I can take that time and turn it into something therapeutic and reflect a little on what my life has become and the path I am on.