time

The 2 weeks I was away were difficult.  I am surprised though.  They were not difficult in a way where I felt like I needed to call him and talk to him and tell him I missed him.   They were difficult because I received 2 emails and a few texts from him saying how sorry he was and that he missed me.  I removed his number from my phone and honestly, getting those messages without a name or photo attached to them makes a huge difference.  The knife in my heart didn't turn as hard.  The pain was not there.  I am still unsure what I want.  I got home on Sunday and have been feeling really good.  I don't have that awful feeling in my stomach.  I miss him but it's not an in a painful aching way. 
I feel inspired to make things.  I feel creative and I want to make things.  It helps me.  It makes me feel better.  I am starting to see that I have been forgetting my talents on the back burner.  It's time for this to change.  I have big plans for next year.  I want to have my plate full.  I want to be involved in everything I possibly can.  I want to make a name for myself in my community and grow through this blog. 
I'm not in any hurry to make a decision on the boy stuff.  I can take my time.  I've waited around enough for him and it's my time.  I really believe 2013 is my year to make big things happen.  Let the lists begin!  Thank you for all the support and comments on the blog.  They are appreciated more than you may ever know! 

XOXO

brother

I have a little brother.  We are 4 years (sometimes 5 years) apart.  He is my best friend.  No one makes me laugh like he does.  We understand each other.  He knows me better than anyone else.  I had lunch with him today and it just made me realize that I miss him!  I LOVE YOU MAX! We are total photo hams so there are more pictures after the break!

final straw and this is done

Last night was the final straw.  I have given this person too many chances and accepted too many excuses.  I have second guessed myself and my value too many times and I am better than that.

So rewind to Monday.  Monday was supposed to be "our night" to hang out and spend time together because we aren't going to see each other for an entire month.  He had booked a show for his band that night so our night turned into-meet at his house for a quick bite before going to his show and then getting ignored the entire time by him.  I don't mean to sound needy and I don't normally care about that behavior at his shows because I understand that he is busy and nervous and stressed.  So my friends came.  Then the whole last post happened that night. (see jealousy)  I was upset.  He  called me names I don't deserve to be called.  It opened my eyes to how he really sees me.  He has made his judgment and it's incorrect.  He doesn't know me at all.  I was angry and acted out with my anger inappropriately.  I let it get the best of me.  It needed to happen to open my eyes and to see what I see now.  So last night I was an idiot and gave him another chance.  I should have been done a long time ago but it's hard when you love someone so much.  He booked another show that was down the street from where my friends and I were hanging out.   He said he would stop by and then bailed last minute and didn't even tell me until I asked him.  It hurt.  That was the last time we were going to see each other for a month and he couldn't make it happen.  I wasn't a priority.  I told him that it was important to me and that it mattered to me but he didn't care.  That's not love.

I went to a show last night with some friends.  Our mutual friends were playing in 2 of the bands (Green Line Operator and TK and the Irresistibles)  that were booked.  It was a really great time.  We danced and laughed and had a lot of fun.  At the end of the night someone reminded me that there are countless amounts of people who would love to spend time with me and my friends and that think I am great and don't need me to change for them.  Throughout the whole 2 years and 2 months of our relationship I lost that confidence in myself.  I started to believe that I was doing it all wrong and wasn't worthy of such great people.  I have been second guessing everything I do because of him and that's not who I am.

I began to realize that while I love being with him and I love him I have to give up way too much of myself to be with him.  I don't like spending time with him in certain situations and dread every other weekend when he would just disappear. (to take care of his child)  I wouldn't hear from him or see him at all during that time.  There is no future in that.
 
I am starting to feel more comfortable and okay with the idea of just being single.  The real kind of single.  Not "hanging out" with my ex single.  There was a conversation around the table last night with my friends about maturity and relationships.  It really struck me and had me thinking about what I really want in a relationship.  Honestly, what I want in a relationship is not something I am ready to have.  I'm not ready to settle down.  I'm not ready for any of that.  I'm just getting started!

I woke up today feeling a little sad but mostly feeling empowered.  I am 22 (almost 23) years old and I don't have a child or a husband or a boyfriend holding me back.  I can live anywhere I want and do anything I want.  I don't have to check in with anyone or worry about anyone else.  I am a little cynical in my thinking here because I know my life is something he wants.  He wants the freedom to do whatever whenever and live other places but he can't.  He will be stuck here for the rest of his life.

I am coming to terms with the fact that it's okay to still love someone so much but know it will never work out.  Realizing he's not who I want to be with doesn't make the feelings go away and I know I won't stop loving him automatically but it's the right thing to do.  My feelings will only disappear with time and a lot of space.  I have lived with him.  I have taken care of his child.  This is all serious stuff.  The intensity of our relationship was extreme. Yet, the desire has fizzled out.  I don't find myself wanting him in the way I used to.

It's time for this to be really over.  It's time for my next chapter in life.
All means of contact have been deleted and I will be forced to be away for a month.
Here's to healing and moving on.

jealousy

Jealousy is an awful trait.  Last night I went out with  my best friend and our other girlfriend was performing at the venue we were at.  So we all spent time together.  The girl who was performing brought one of her really good guy friends with her.  When she had to go prepare to perform we hung out with her guy friend.  It seemed like he didn't know anyone else and we were just sitting around a bar having a beer.  We were all just joking around and having a great time.  It was a completely platonic encounter with a guy.  When I meet people I consider them my friend.  Maybe I am too trusting?  Maybe not.  I feel like the right thing to do is give everyone an opportunity to be a part of your life as a friend.  I mean how can someone decide that they don't want to make anymore friends for the rest of their life?  That seems crazy.  Anyway, after the show I was yelled at and told that I was a slut and that I was flirting with this person by the person I WANT to be with.  It's not right.  I was angry because I know I didn't do anything wrong.  He makes a judgement of a person before he even speaks to them.  He saw me sitting with 2 girlfriends and one guy and immediately decided that I was being disrespectful.  This isn't the first time this has happened.  I was upset.  I was angry.  I was more than angry.  I can't even think of a word to fit the emotion I was feeling.  I don't know how many times I can remind him that he is the only person I want to be with.  He's the only guy that matters.  All I want is to spend time with him.  All I want is to be with him and have fun with him.  Last night was supposed to be a night where him and I spent time together.  I waited around for him but he chose to hang out with other people.  So instead of getting angry, sad, and to avoid feeling let down, I spent time with my friends. This post is extremely scattered.  That's how I am feeling right now.  I'm scattered and confused on what I want.  I leave in 2 days and will not see him for a month.  I think this will give me some perspective.  I hope it does.  I need answers and I know they will only come from myself.  

mucho mucho bueno bueno: DIY: An American Tote

mucho mucho bueno bueno: DIY: An American Tote: I am currently obsessed with these girls and their blog.  They have incredible effortless style and their hair is something to be envious of.  I love all their DIY's and will be making most of them. 

mucho mucho bueno bueno: HOW TO MAKE BUENO BUENO FEATHER HEADBANDS

mucho mucho bueno bueno: HOW TO MAKE BUENO BUENO FEATHER HEADBANDS:Follow this link to an amazing tutorial on how to make a gorgeous feather headband.  I will be making one of these tonight after I finish up my current dream catcher project! 

willpower

I lack willpower when it comes to some things.  I can't decide if I made the right decision.  I always have this aching hope that people will get better, they will change, they will improve.  Most of the time I am wrong.  Why do I still remain hopeful? 

ovewhelming

There are a lot of things happening in my life.  There are a lot of things I am looking forward to.  There is a lot for me to be thankful for.  I am trying to bring back that excited feeling I used to get when a new opportunity would present itself.  I feel like I am just running through the motions of life and doing the bare minimum so that everyone thinks I am okay.  I nod and smile but I don't participate.  I just feel like I can't.  It's my own damn fault for putting myself through this again but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  I am tired of breaking.  I am tired of fighting.  I want nothing more than for life to make sense.

Last night I received an incredible gift from an old friend.  We were best friends but in the end of the relationship I wasn't a very nice person and didn't give anyone a chance to explain themselves.  I always get this awful feeling of sadness and disappointment when I look back on situations involving conflict.  I am always the bad guy.  I always react without thinking it through.  I am impatient and want answers and resolution immediately.  Why do I push away the people who love me?  Why do I make it so hard for people to love me?

I'd like to snap out of this.  Any day now, please?  I leave next week for a work trip and I will be gone for 2 weeks.  I hope I can take that time and turn it into something therapeutic and reflect a little on what my life has become and the path I am on.

.

there's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Endings and New Beginnings

Let's start off by saying that this blog is being started as a way to cope.  I won't pretend there is some amazing reason I have decided to write other than the fact that I am unhappy and trying to move on.

I have been with the same person for a little over 2 years.  The first year was incredible.  We both knew that we were soul mates and meant to be together.  We moved in together in that year and things were alright but not amazing like I am now realizing they should have been.  Things were super rocky over the summer and his jealousy became a big issue.  I ended the relationship and moved out in August.  I moved into my new place on August first and was devastated but relieved.  It had been six months of manipulation and six months of only doing things on his terms.  I was blinded by love I suppose.  Later in August, something happened that I am not going to disclose.  But we had to come back together and handle said problem.  Of course it was nowhere near enough time apart to have moved on so we got back together.  Except things were different.  They felt different.  It seemed like we had both matured a little and the relationship felt okay.  We were having a lot of fun but again, it was always on his terms.  Things were different this time because I had expectations and a solid group of friends.  There was never a time where we did what I want because it was important to me.  It always had to be, "we will do what you want after we do this thing I want to do."  Most of the time I have no problem with this compromising and doing a little bit of both but, most of the time what he wanted to do would cut into the time for what I wanted.  Most of the time what I wanted to do would become less important and never happen.  There were always excuses and I was expected to just nod my head and be happy just for that fact that I got to be in his presence.  This was enough for while but I am a strong willed person and after always being pushed aside it was finally time to speak up.  Last week I started to speak up about this problem.  I thought it was reasonable.  I wanted him to be more involved in my life and do some of the things I wanted to do.  We had plans to spend the whole weekend together.  Friday morning we woke up (at his place) and I told him that the two things I wanted this weekend were to go on a hike with him and for him to come to a dinner party my roommate was hosting.  (a party he has known about for 3 weeks)  The plan was to go on the hike that day and then go to the party and he agreed.  There was nothing else going on this weekend so I was really happy to be able to do these things I wanted to do with him.  Friday turned into a day full of running his errands and not much else.  Then that night he got an invite to grab drinks for someone birthday during the same time as the party we were going to go to.  The one I wanted to go to.  When I made a comment about how we had plans already he got really angry at me.  In his eyes everything is always my fault.  That's how he sees every situation actually.  Everyone else is at fault for the things that are wrong in his life.  We ended up arguing about the situation in front of a bar where our friends band was playing for like 10 minutes before he walked away.  I went for a walk around the block and started thinking.  I reflected on the relationship and how in the back of my mind I always knew he wasn't going to come to this dinner party.  There was always going to be something else that he's rather do and what matters to me would not matter to him.  He had managed to turn it around into an argument that I try to make all of his relationships bad.  This is something he does on his own.  I started to see that all of the relationships he has with his mom, his dad, his brother, his sister, his child's mother, his coworkers, and the people he calls his best friends are all bad and the other person is always at fault for that relationship being bad.  

Even after seeing all of this and realizing all of this I decided that when we left I would try to calmly rationalize the discussion and explain to him the real reason I was upset.  I did this and he chose to get angry and storm into the house and yell at me.  I stood in the dining room of his house while he did dishes in silence waiting for something.  I don't know what just a sign that he would understand or a sign to run.  While I stood there upset because he had just verbally broken me down, like always, I decided to pack up my stuff and go home.  I was better than this situation and I deserved better.  I am such a stubborn person and I had been working too hard to fix something that would never get better unless I completely gave up who I was.

So I waited for him to come back to his room where I had already packed my car and then I ended things.  For a second time.  He just stared at me while I brokenly told him that this was over.  I sat in my car for about 5 minutes crying and he just closed the curtain and turned out the lights at his house.  I gathered myself and drove home and had a good cry.  It's been five days and I still can't shake this sick to my stomach feeling and the little flutter every time my phone buzzes hoping it's him saying he's sorry and that he needs me and that we belong together and that he is going to try harder.  I know that will never happen and I know that I can't let myself be involved with him anymore romantically.  On two occasions friend of mine and a counselor I had been talking to gave me a paper with 10 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.  Every single sign pointed to him and our relationship.  I am a strong person and never thought I would be involved in something like that but I now can see that I really lost myself when I was with him.  I guess it's just a matter of time before this awful feeling will go away.  Damn my impatience.