Wednesday, December 5, 2012

final straw and this is done

Last night was the final straw.  I have given this person too many chances and accepted too many excuses.  I have second guessed myself and my value too many times and I am better than that.

So rewind to Monday.  Monday was supposed to be "our night" to hang out and spend time together because we aren't going to see each other for an entire month.  He had booked a show for his band that night so our night turned into-meet at his house for a quick bite before going to his show and then getting ignored the entire time by him.  I don't mean to sound needy and I don't normally care about that behavior at his shows because I understand that he is busy and nervous and stressed.  So my friends came.  Then the whole last post happened that night. (see jealousy)  I was upset.  He  called me names I don't deserve to be called.  It opened my eyes to how he really sees me.  He has made his judgment and it's incorrect.  He doesn't know me at all.  I was angry and acted out with my anger inappropriately.  I let it get the best of me.  It needed to happen to open my eyes and to see what I see now.  So last night I was an idiot and gave him another chance.  I should have been done a long time ago but it's hard when you love someone so much.  He booked another show that was down the street from where my friends and I were hanging out.   He said he would stop by and then bailed last minute and didn't even tell me until I asked him.  It hurt.  That was the last time we were going to see each other for a month and he couldn't make it happen.  I wasn't a priority.  I told him that it was important to me and that it mattered to me but he didn't care.  That's not love.

I went to a show last night with some friends.  Our mutual friends were playing in 2 of the bands (Green Line Operator and TK and the Irresistibles)  that were booked.  It was a really great time.  We danced and laughed and had a lot of fun.  At the end of the night someone reminded me that there are countless amounts of people who would love to spend time with me and my friends and that think I am great and don't need me to change for them.  Throughout the whole 2 years and 2 months of our relationship I lost that confidence in myself.  I started to believe that I was doing it all wrong and wasn't worthy of such great people.  I have been second guessing everything I do because of him and that's not who I am.

I began to realize that while I love being with him and I love him I have to give up way too much of myself to be with him.  I don't like spending time with him in certain situations and dread every other weekend when he would just disappear. (to take care of his child)  I wouldn't hear from him or see him at all during that time.  There is no future in that.
I am starting to feel more comfortable and okay with the idea of just being single.  The real kind of single.  Not "hanging out" with my ex single.  There was a conversation around the table last night with my friends about maturity and relationships.  It really struck me and had me thinking about what I really want in a relationship.  Honestly, what I want in a relationship is not something I am ready to have.  I'm not ready to settle down.  I'm not ready for any of that.  I'm just getting started!

I woke up today feeling a little sad but mostly feeling empowered.  I am 22 (almost 23) years old and I don't have a child or a husband or a boyfriend holding me back.  I can live anywhere I want and do anything I want.  I don't have to check in with anyone or worry about anyone else.  I am a little cynical in my thinking here because I know my life is something he wants.  He wants the freedom to do whatever whenever and live other places but he can't.  He will be stuck here for the rest of his life.

I am coming to terms with the fact that it's okay to still love someone so much but know it will never work out.  Realizing he's not who I want to be with doesn't make the feelings go away and I know I won't stop loving him automatically but it's the right thing to do.  My feelings will only disappear with time and a lot of space.  I have lived with him.  I have taken care of his child.  This is all serious stuff.  The intensity of our relationship was extreme. Yet, the desire has fizzled out.  I don't find myself wanting him in the way I used to.

It's time for this to be really over.  It's time for my next chapter in life.
All means of contact have been deleted and I will be forced to be away for a month.
Here's to healing and moving on.

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