the middle way

 I have been reading a lot about Buddhism and recognize that a lot of the values involved with the religion reflect values I have in life or that I am striving towards.  I am not going to become a Buddhist but it's comforting to see that there are people out there who want the similar things in life that I do.  People who are looking for the desirable balance between two extremes in their life.  The Golden Mean or the Middle Way.  I have been really interested (borderline obsessed) with reading about this idea in philosophy.  There are so many cultures that have information and there own version of this.   

I don't want to be insensitive or unkind to others.   I want to be awake.  I want to be a great friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, employee, and student of life.  I want to be aware of my impact on the earth and my impact on other people.  I want to learn everything I can possibly learn.  I want to be able to trust the people I am closest to and I want them to be able to trust me.

Today I can honestly say that I am really happy.  My life is in a constant transition.  I am growing and learning and exploring.  I am making mistakes.  This is not a bad thing because I am becoming who I want to be and I am doing things that I want to do.  Things are not perfect, I can name two things that have been on my mind for a few weeks now that I need to either start working on or cut the ties and let go of but everything else is pretty positive in my life.  The toxic people that were in my life are all gone and I am filled with a lot of love from my friends.

Below are some photos from a show I played with a local punk band at a really amazing venue and my little brothers graduation from High School.

bangs-an endless battle

Every year I go through about a million different phases with my hair.  I am never satisfied with how it looks until I look back at pictures of it. (which is always after I change it, yet again)  In February, I always want to cut blunt bangs across my forehead.  Seriously, the thought crosses my mind EVERY February.  I must have some haircut internal clock or something going on.  Well, here I am again, February 18th sitting at my office dreaming about leaving work and having the guy over at Hair Pollution give me some bangs.  I've printed pictures, looked at old pictures of myself with that hair, and have come to the conclusion that it is time.  I haven't cut my hair like that since last February.  I cut it that one time last February and then didn't touch it until today. (hopefully)  My bangs have grown out to just above my chin.  Maybe it's the fact that I'm feeling like a bad ass listening to The White Stripes or that my dirty unwashed hair is in a top knot yet again because my bags look like big chunks of grossness on the side of my head or maybe I've looked at the Free People catalog one too many times today but it is time.  Again.  Here's a little before and after action for your viewing pleasure.  Also to hold me accountable so I actually do this once I leave work.  BAM!

comfort zone

My brain works in funny ways.  I am definitely a creature of habit.  I don't like to step out of my comfort zone very often.  I like my routine, my friends, my favorite places to eat, and my favorite bar to hangout at.  I live in an area that is populated by a lot of musicians.  I am always in awe of the musical talent I am surrounded by.  I love to go to shows and support my friends who are in bands. (a good chunk of them are in bands)  I never really thought of joining a band myself.  The idea of it has always freaked me out.  I play two instruments...kind of 3 instruments, the flute, the piccolo, and the piano.  I can admit it, I am talented in the music department.  I have a really great ear. I've been able to hear a song and then mimic it on the piano since I was about 4 years old.  But the idea of "jamming" on my flute or the piano with other people has totally freaked me out.  I think I am too worried about what other people will think or too self conscious, or just reluctant to step out of my comfort zone.  Last month I was presented with the opportunity to play with a local band that has been around for awhile and help them create "orchestra" versions of their songs.  For whatever reason I was feeling daring that day and agreed to do it.  Our first practice was two weeks ago. I faced my fears and went, not knowing what to expect.  It was fun but I was too nervous to really know if I was doing anything right.  So our second practice was the other day and it was a smaller group of people in a smaller practice space.  It was a practice with four of my friends that I consider really great musicians.  Needless to say I was a nervous wreck.  I was the only concert instrument that showed up that wasn't a guitar so you could hear me. (I guess that's the point?) Anyway, I was horribly nervous for about half of the time and then finally started to get the hang of it.  I'm totally addicted now.  I can't wait for the next practice.  I feel so inspired.  I just want to write songs and play music all the time.  Stepping out of the comfort zone is something I am really trying to make a point in doing more often and so far it's paying off.  I will keep everyone updated as we practice more. 

busy

Some of my favorite days are the ones I spend moving nonstop.  Yesterday was a prime example.  I love the days that are most productive.  So for example, yesterday I woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep so I went for a run and showered and ACTUALLY fixed my hair.  (I'm talking curling iron status) Then went to work and got a whole bunch of things done and left around 5 to go pick up a friend and rush off to band practice.  Then left band practice feeling great about the progress we made and picked up a burrito to go and scarfed it down at home and cleaned for about 45 minutes.  Then left for a bar called Lost Leaf to meet a friend for a drink and then returned home an hour and a half later and went to bed.  It was a good day.  What is your ideal day?  Do you have certain days that are unusually busy for you?  Also, below is a picture of my burrito from yesterday.  Yeah, it's bigger than my head.  I'm already dreaming about the leftovers for dinner tonight.

this family of mine

How did I get so lucky to meet such an incredible group of friends.  I feel so special to have such a close knit group to call my friends.  These people feel more like family and know me better than anyone.

friendship

There are a million words swirling around my brain about the past few days.  I can not figure out a way to put this to paper.  On that note I have a question or two that I would like answers and advice from you on.

Can you be friends with an ex? (like an ex that you were with for 2.5 years and lived with for a year and helped raise his child and then it all ended in a messy really sad breakup)

If it's possible, how soon is too soon for the above?

 I'd like to hear your thoughts and maybe it will help me articulate what I am feeling a little more.

currently reading and feeling

It's been a little while since I've written anything in here.  Things are going well.  I have always appreciated the time I have with my friends but something has changed in me.  When I spend time with them this overwhelming feeling overcomes me and I just want to soak everything in.  I've been less worried about things that happened in the past or what will happen in the future and more focused on embracing what is happening right now.  I want to live fully in the present moment and the more I make myself aware of that, the more appreciation I have been feeling for the small things in life.

Now that my marathon of work trips is coming to an end, I feel refreshed and ready for the next step.  This is it.  I am taking the next step with the little choices I make every day.

Just by making the decision in my head to move on and stop holding on to past feelings I can already feel the difference in myself and see the difference in the way I interact with people.  I have met some incredible people and have some amazing people to call my friends.

I started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and it is really inspiring me.  I need to find someone who has read it or is in the process of reading it.  I really want to talk about this book with someone.  I highly recommend it.

This post is a little all over the place.  Sorry.  That's just how my life is right now.  A little here, a little there.