friendship

There are a million words swirling around my brain about the past few days.  I can not figure out a way to put this to paper.  On that note I have a question or two that I would like answers and advice from you on.

Can you be friends with an ex? (like an ex that you were with for 2.5 years and lived with for a year and helped raise his child and then it all ended in a messy really sad breakup)

If it's possible, how soon is too soon for the above?

 I'd like to hear your thoughts and maybe it will help me articulate what I am feeling a little more.

currently reading and feeling

It's been a little while since I've written anything in here.  Things are going well.  I have always appreciated the time I have with my friends but something has changed in me.  When I spend time with them this overwhelming feeling overcomes me and I just want to soak everything in.  I've been less worried about things that happened in the past or what will happen in the future and more focused on embracing what is happening right now.  I want to live fully in the present moment and the more I make myself aware of that, the more appreciation I have been feeling for the small things in life.

Now that my marathon of work trips is coming to an end, I feel refreshed and ready for the next step.  This is it.  I am taking the next step with the little choices I make every day.

Just by making the decision in my head to move on and stop holding on to past feelings I can already feel the difference in myself and see the difference in the way I interact with people.  I have met some incredible people and have some amazing people to call my friends.

I started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and it is really inspiring me.  I need to find someone who has read it or is in the process of reading it.  I really want to talk about this book with someone.  I highly recommend it.

This post is a little all over the place.  Sorry.  That's just how my life is right now.  A little here, a little there.

resolutions

I never take my resolutions seriously.  I always jot down a little list of things on New Year's Eve and then never go back to it.  As I am getting older, I am starting to really be able to recognize things I need to work on and things I am really great at.  I took a few days and decided to really think about my resolutions for the next year and try to make something out of it.  Try to make some changes in my life to better me as a person.

Balance- Strive for balance in my life with work, family, friends, hobbies, and alone time.

Acceptance/Realistic Goals- Work on setting attainable goals and making my ideas and project really happen.

Blocking Out The Negativity- people, things, my own judgements.  *not worrying about other peoples negativity*

Eat Healthier/Put Thought Into Meals- Plan out my lunch and dinner.  Try to eat breakfast more often.  Eat more vegetables and fruit.

Make More- Make gifts, make meals, make things instead of buying things, start and etsy shop with my creations.

Move Forward- Don't let past feeling hold me back.  It's time to let go of what did not work and mve forward. (recognize that I deserve better and set that standard)

Stay Creative- Make more, take more pictures, listen to more music, write more, be in the moment, surround myself with inspiring people, seize every opportunity to try something new.

Drink less coffee and more tea,  Act on my need for spontaneity.  Approach people more often.  Always say hello to friends and acquaintances.  Maintain a clean office and home.  Take more trips.  Keep making strides towards my future.

What are some of your resolutions?  Any thoughts?

I hope everyone has a wonderful 2013.

no more chances-2013

A few nights ago I agreed to make plans with my ex for New Years.  It was pure stupidity on my part.  I was feeling lonely and obviously I still love him.  We have spent the past 2 NYE together and in love.  Well, like always it turned into tears and disappointment.  I canceled on all of my friends and turned down a trip to Santa Barbara for him.  Last night (New Year's Eve) I was on the brink of tears almost the whole night.  I was surrounded by people who love me but I couldn't help but feel like a fool for letting this person do it again.  I decided that my resolution is to cut him off.  100% no contact.  I did the silly things like block him on Facebook which made me feel better but I also told him he has to stop trying to contact me because I can't do it anymore.  Not to blame him but I cave every time he contacts me.  I can't help it.  It's time for me to focus on me and stop allowing myself to be constantly disappointed by this person because I can't let go.  I have to let him go.  I know I will never stop loving him but I have to stop letting him into my life.  He doesn't respect me or treat me right.  This is it.  2013 is my year to heal and move on.  I am young and have so much to give.  I was talking to a friend last night about it before going out and our conversation was pretty inspiring.  Essentially she said that we are young and allowed to be stupid and that if your heart doesn't hurt you can't grow.  She's right.

time

The 2 weeks I was away were difficult.  I am surprised though.  They were not difficult in a way where I felt like I needed to call him and talk to him and tell him I missed him.   They were difficult because I received 2 emails and a few texts from him saying how sorry he was and that he missed me.  I removed his number from my phone and honestly, getting those messages without a name or photo attached to them makes a huge difference.  The knife in my heart didn't turn as hard.  The pain was not there.  I am still unsure what I want.  I got home on Sunday and have been feeling really good.  I don't have that awful feeling in my stomach.  I miss him but it's not an in a painful aching way. 
I feel inspired to make things.  I feel creative and I want to make things.  It helps me.  It makes me feel better.  I am starting to see that I have been forgetting my talents on the back burner.  It's time for this to change.  I have big plans for next year.  I want to have my plate full.  I want to be involved in everything I possibly can.  I want to make a name for myself in my community and grow through this blog. 
I'm not in any hurry to make a decision on the boy stuff.  I can take my time.  I've waited around enough for him and it's my time.  I really believe 2013 is my year to make big things happen.  Let the lists begin!  Thank you for all the support and comments on the blog.  They are appreciated more than you may ever know! 

XOXO

final straw and this is done

Last night was the final straw.  I have given this person too many chances and accepted too many excuses.  I have second guessed myself and my value too many times and I am better than that.

So rewind to Monday.  Monday was supposed to be "our night" to hang out and spend time together because we aren't going to see each other for an entire month.  He had booked a show for his band that night so our night turned into-meet at his house for a quick bite before going to his show and then getting ignored the entire time by him.  I don't mean to sound needy and I don't normally care about that behavior at his shows because I understand that he is busy and nervous and stressed.  So my friends came.  Then the whole last post happened that night. (see jealousy)  I was upset.  He  called me names I don't deserve to be called.  It opened my eyes to how he really sees me.  He has made his judgment and it's incorrect.  He doesn't know me at all.  I was angry and acted out with my anger inappropriately.  I let it get the best of me.  It needed to happen to open my eyes and to see what I see now.  So last night I was an idiot and gave him another chance.  I should have been done a long time ago but it's hard when you love someone so much.  He booked another show that was down the street from where my friends and I were hanging out.   He said he would stop by and then bailed last minute and didn't even tell me until I asked him.  It hurt.  That was the last time we were going to see each other for a month and he couldn't make it happen.  I wasn't a priority.  I told him that it was important to me and that it mattered to me but he didn't care.  That's not love.

I went to a show last night with some friends.  Our mutual friends were playing in 2 of the bands (Green Line Operator and TK and the Irresistibles)  that were booked.  It was a really great time.  We danced and laughed and had a lot of fun.  At the end of the night someone reminded me that there are countless amounts of people who would love to spend time with me and my friends and that think I am great and don't need me to change for them.  Throughout the whole 2 years and 2 months of our relationship I lost that confidence in myself.  I started to believe that I was doing it all wrong and wasn't worthy of such great people.  I have been second guessing everything I do because of him and that's not who I am.

I began to realize that while I love being with him and I love him I have to give up way too much of myself to be with him.  I don't like spending time with him in certain situations and dread every other weekend when he would just disappear. (to take care of his child)  I wouldn't hear from him or see him at all during that time.  There is no future in that.
 
I am starting to feel more comfortable and okay with the idea of just being single.  The real kind of single.  Not "hanging out" with my ex single.  There was a conversation around the table last night with my friends about maturity and relationships.  It really struck me and had me thinking about what I really want in a relationship.  Honestly, what I want in a relationship is not something I am ready to have.  I'm not ready to settle down.  I'm not ready for any of that.  I'm just getting started!

I woke up today feeling a little sad but mostly feeling empowered.  I am 22 (almost 23) years old and I don't have a child or a husband or a boyfriend holding me back.  I can live anywhere I want and do anything I want.  I don't have to check in with anyone or worry about anyone else.  I am a little cynical in my thinking here because I know my life is something he wants.  He wants the freedom to do whatever whenever and live other places but he can't.  He will be stuck here for the rest of his life.

I am coming to terms with the fact that it's okay to still love someone so much but know it will never work out.  Realizing he's not who I want to be with doesn't make the feelings go away and I know I won't stop loving him automatically but it's the right thing to do.  My feelings will only disappear with time and a lot of space.  I have lived with him.  I have taken care of his child.  This is all serious stuff.  The intensity of our relationship was extreme. Yet, the desire has fizzled out.  I don't find myself wanting him in the way I used to.

It's time for this to be really over.  It's time for my next chapter in life.
All means of contact have been deleted and I will be forced to be away for a month.
Here's to healing and moving on.

jealousy

Jealousy is an awful trait.  Last night I went out with  my best friend and our other girlfriend was performing at the venue we were at.  So we all spent time together.  The girl who was performing brought one of her really good guy friends with her.  When she had to go prepare to perform we hung out with her guy friend.  It seemed like he didn't know anyone else and we were just sitting around a bar having a beer.  We were all just joking around and having a great time.  It was a completely platonic encounter with a guy.  When I meet people I consider them my friend.  Maybe I am too trusting?  Maybe not.  I feel like the right thing to do is give everyone an opportunity to be a part of your life as a friend.  I mean how can someone decide that they don't want to make anymore friends for the rest of their life?  That seems crazy.  Anyway, after the show I was yelled at and told that I was a slut and that I was flirting with this person by the person I WANT to be with.  It's not right.  I was angry because I know I didn't do anything wrong.  He makes a judgement of a person before he even speaks to them.  He saw me sitting with 2 girlfriends and one guy and immediately decided that I was being disrespectful.  This isn't the first time this has happened.  I was upset.  I was angry.  I was more than angry.  I can't even think of a word to fit the emotion I was feeling.  I don't know how many times I can remind him that he is the only person I want to be with.  He's the only guy that matters.  All I want is to spend time with him.  All I want is to be with him and have fun with him.  Last night was supposed to be a night where him and I spent time together.  I waited around for him but he chose to hang out with other people.  So instead of getting angry, sad, and to avoid feeling let down, I spent time with my friends. This post is extremely scattered.  That's how I am feeling right now.  I'm scattered and confused on what I want.  I leave in 2 days and will not see him for a month.  I think this will give me some perspective.  I hope it does.  I need answers and I know they will only come from myself.