this knot in my stomach will go away.

For 2 months we were back on track.  We were happy, open, honest and giving to each other.  I was also delusional.  In those moments I felt happy but now that it's gone I see how lost and wrong I was.  You had been lying to me this whole time and acting disrespectful.  I knew the whole time but somehow validated it in my head.  Somehow, I convinced myself that I deserved it and that it will eventually stop.  I kept hoping that you would start showing interest in my life.  That last conversation we had on the phone really opened my eyes to how little you know about my life.  We had been together for 3 years and you have no idea what I do when I'm not around you.  You made up your mind that I do nothing and have no passions, but have you ever asked me?  No.  You have no idea that I am passionate about yoga and go to classes about twice a week or more if I can.  You have no idea that I am looking into the teacher training for yoga.  You have no idea that I have an etsy shop that I sell things on.  You have no idea that I have a blog that I write my feeling in.  You have no idea that I meet up with a meditation group every Monday or volunteer with a Phoenix Co-Op.  Just because I don't act or sing or play in a band doesn't mean I don't have passions.  My passions do not have to be the same as yours to make them worthy.  Your ignorance will get the best of you. 

I am starting fresh as of today.  I deserve respect from my significant other.  I deserve someone who takes an interest in my life and meeting my friends and spending time at my house.  I deserve someone who wants to compromise.

The idea you have in your head of who I am is so wrong and I just can't care anymore.  You will never really listen to me and you will never really respect me.  You don't know how to respect people.

Our relationship will never get better.  You will never find happiness with the way you currently view relationships.

This knot in my stomach will go away. And I am strong enough to forgive you with time but for now I need to get away.

as you get older

It's so strange when you see someone doing something wrong.  When I was a child and I saw someone doing something wrong, I didn't want them to get away with it so I would tell on them in hopes that they would get in trouble and be punished for what they did.  As I get older I realize that when I see someone doing something wrong, I don't want them to be punished for it, I want them to make the realization for themselves that they are better than that and make the change.  I want people to want to be good to others.  I want everyone to respect each other.  If you love someone, you should respect them.  I have never understood why someone could lie and deceive someone that they love.  I see it happening and I hope with all of my being that you will fix this and be a better person.  Please.  Please be good to one another.  Please treat each other with respect.  Understand that upsetting someone with the truth is better than that person finding out that you have been lying the whole time.  You can't earn back trust as easy as you can forgive someone for a decision you don't agree with.  Please be good to the people you love.  They deserve it and so do you.

lake day

This summer has been full of adventures.  It seems like every weekend is full of exciting things to do.  A few weeks ago (yes I know this post a little late), my work closed down for a Friday and took a group of us out to Lake Pleasant to hang out on the pontoon boat, jet skis, and (attempt) a little wake boarding.  Lucky for me, I work with my mom and one of my close friends so my mom, dad, brother and 3 of my favorite friends were along for the day.  It was so relaxing being out on the water, listening to country music, drinking beer, and laughing with some of the funniest people in Arizona.  It made the 105+ degree weather bearable for a little while. I can't wait to go back. This is quite the photo heavy post so I will put the rest of the pictures after the break!  Check them out if you want!

Casey and I on top of the Pontoon Boat.

the middle way

 I have been reading a lot about Buddhism and recognize that a lot of the values involved with the religion reflect values I have in life or that I am striving towards.  I am not going to become a Buddhist but it's comforting to see that there are people out there who want the similar things in life that I do.  People who are looking for the desirable balance between two extremes in their life.  The Golden Mean or the Middle Way.  I have been really interested (borderline obsessed) with reading about this idea in philosophy.  There are so many cultures that have information and there own version of this.   

I don't want to be insensitive or unkind to others.   I want to be awake.  I want to be a great friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, employee, and student of life.  I want to be aware of my impact on the earth and my impact on other people.  I want to learn everything I can possibly learn.  I want to be able to trust the people I am closest to and I want them to be able to trust me.

Today I can honestly say that I am really happy.  My life is in a constant transition.  I am growing and learning and exploring.  I am making mistakes.  This is not a bad thing because I am becoming who I want to be and I am doing things that I want to do.  Things are not perfect, I can name two things that have been on my mind for a few weeks now that I need to either start working on or cut the ties and let go of but everything else is pretty positive in my life.  The toxic people that were in my life are all gone and I am filled with a lot of love from my friends.

Below are some photos from a show I played with a local punk band at a really amazing venue and my little brothers graduation from High School.

bangs-an endless battle

Every year I go through about a million different phases with my hair.  I am never satisfied with how it looks until I look back at pictures of it. (which is always after I change it, yet again)  In February, I always want to cut blunt bangs across my forehead.  Seriously, the thought crosses my mind EVERY February.  I must have some haircut internal clock or something going on.  Well, here I am again, February 18th sitting at my office dreaming about leaving work and having the guy over at Hair Pollution give me some bangs.  I've printed pictures, looked at old pictures of myself with that hair, and have come to the conclusion that it is time.  I haven't cut my hair like that since last February.  I cut it that one time last February and then didn't touch it until today. (hopefully)  My bangs have grown out to just above my chin.  Maybe it's the fact that I'm feeling like a bad ass listening to The White Stripes or that my dirty unwashed hair is in a top knot yet again because my bags look like big chunks of grossness on the side of my head or maybe I've looked at the Free People catalog one too many times today but it is time.  Again.  Here's a little before and after action for your viewing pleasure.  Also to hold me accountable so I actually do this once I leave work.  BAM!

comfort zone

My brain works in funny ways.  I am definitely a creature of habit.  I don't like to step out of my comfort zone very often.  I like my routine, my friends, my favorite places to eat, and my favorite bar to hangout at.  I live in an area that is populated by a lot of musicians.  I am always in awe of the musical talent I am surrounded by.  I love to go to shows and support my friends who are in bands. (a good chunk of them are in bands)  I never really thought of joining a band myself.  The idea of it has always freaked me out.  I play two instruments...kind of 3 instruments, the flute, the piccolo, and the piano.  I can admit it, I am talented in the music department.  I have a really great ear. I've been able to hear a song and then mimic it on the piano since I was about 4 years old.  But the idea of "jamming" on my flute or the piano with other people has totally freaked me out.  I think I am too worried about what other people will think or too self conscious, or just reluctant to step out of my comfort zone.  Last month I was presented with the opportunity to play with a local band that has been around for awhile and help them create "orchestra" versions of their songs.  For whatever reason I was feeling daring that day and agreed to do it.  Our first practice was two weeks ago. I faced my fears and went, not knowing what to expect.  It was fun but I was too nervous to really know if I was doing anything right.  So our second practice was the other day and it was a smaller group of people in a smaller practice space.  It was a practice with four of my friends that I consider really great musicians.  Needless to say I was a nervous wreck.  I was the only concert instrument that showed up that wasn't a guitar so you could hear me. (I guess that's the point?) Anyway, I was horribly nervous for about half of the time and then finally started to get the hang of it.  I'm totally addicted now.  I can't wait for the next practice.  I feel so inspired.  I just want to write songs and play music all the time.  Stepping out of the comfort zone is something I am really trying to make a point in doing more often and so far it's paying off.  I will keep everyone updated as we practice more. 

busy

Some of my favorite days are the ones I spend moving nonstop.  Yesterday was a prime example.  I love the days that are most productive.  So for example, yesterday I woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep so I went for a run and showered and ACTUALLY fixed my hair.  (I'm talking curling iron status) Then went to work and got a whole bunch of things done and left around 5 to go pick up a friend and rush off to band practice.  Then left band practice feeling great about the progress we made and picked up a burrito to go and scarfed it down at home and cleaned for about 45 minutes.  Then left for a bar called Lost Leaf to meet a friend for a drink and then returned home an hour and a half later and went to bed.  It was a good day.  What is your ideal day?  Do you have certain days that are unusually busy for you?  Also, below is a picture of my burrito from yesterday.  Yeah, it's bigger than my head.  I'm already dreaming about the leftovers for dinner tonight.

this family of mine

How did I get so lucky to meet such an incredible group of friends.  I feel so special to have such a close knit group to call my friends.  These people feel more like family and know me better than anyone.

friendship

There are a million words swirling around my brain about the past few days.  I can not figure out a way to put this to paper.  On that note I have a question or two that I would like answers and advice from you on.

Can you be friends with an ex? (like an ex that you were with for 2.5 years and lived with for a year and helped raise his child and then it all ended in a messy really sad breakup)

If it's possible, how soon is too soon for the above?

 I'd like to hear your thoughts and maybe it will help me articulate what I am feeling a little more.

currently reading and feeling

It's been a little while since I've written anything in here.  Things are going well.  I have always appreciated the time I have with my friends but something has changed in me.  When I spend time with them this overwhelming feeling overcomes me and I just want to soak everything in.  I've been less worried about things that happened in the past or what will happen in the future and more focused on embracing what is happening right now.  I want to live fully in the present moment and the more I make myself aware of that, the more appreciation I have been feeling for the small things in life.

Now that my marathon of work trips is coming to an end, I feel refreshed and ready for the next step.  This is it.  I am taking the next step with the little choices I make every day.

Just by making the decision in my head to move on and stop holding on to past feelings I can already feel the difference in myself and see the difference in the way I interact with people.  I have met some incredible people and have some amazing people to call my friends.

I started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and it is really inspiring me.  I need to find someone who has read it or is in the process of reading it.  I really want to talk about this book with someone.  I highly recommend it.

This post is a little all over the place.  Sorry.  That's just how my life is right now.  A little here, a little there.

resolutions

I never take my resolutions seriously.  I always jot down a little list of things on New Year's Eve and then never go back to it.  As I am getting older, I am starting to really be able to recognize things I need to work on and things I am really great at.  I took a few days and decided to really think about my resolutions for the next year and try to make something out of it.  Try to make some changes in my life to better me as a person.

Balance- Strive for balance in my life with work, family, friends, hobbies, and alone time.

Acceptance/Realistic Goals- Work on setting attainable goals and making my ideas and project really happen.

Blocking Out The Negativity- people, things, my own judgements.  *not worrying about other peoples negativity*

Eat Healthier/Put Thought Into Meals- Plan out my lunch and dinner.  Try to eat breakfast more often.  Eat more vegetables and fruit.

Make More- Make gifts, make meals, make things instead of buying things, start and etsy shop with my creations.

Move Forward- Don't let past feeling hold me back.  It's time to let go of what did not work and mve forward. (recognize that I deserve better and set that standard)

Stay Creative- Make more, take more pictures, listen to more music, write more, be in the moment, surround myself with inspiring people, seize every opportunity to try something new.

Drink less coffee and more tea,  Act on my need for spontaneity.  Approach people more often.  Always say hello to friends and acquaintances.  Maintain a clean office and home.  Take more trips.  Keep making strides towards my future.

What are some of your resolutions?  Any thoughts?

I hope everyone has a wonderful 2013.

no more chances-2013

A few nights ago I agreed to make plans with my ex for New Years.  It was pure stupidity on my part.  I was feeling lonely and obviously I still love him.  We have spent the past 2 NYE together and in love.  Well, like always it turned into tears and disappointment.  I canceled on all of my friends and turned down a trip to Santa Barbara for him.  Last night (New Year's Eve) I was on the brink of tears almost the whole night.  I was surrounded by people who love me but I couldn't help but feel like a fool for letting this person do it again.  I decided that my resolution is to cut him off.  100% no contact.  I did the silly things like block him on Facebook which made me feel better but I also told him he has to stop trying to contact me because I can't do it anymore.  Not to blame him but I cave every time he contacts me.  I can't help it.  It's time for me to focus on me and stop allowing myself to be constantly disappointed by this person because I can't let go.  I have to let him go.  I know I will never stop loving him but I have to stop letting him into my life.  He doesn't respect me or treat me right.  This is it.  2013 is my year to heal and move on.  I am young and have so much to give.  I was talking to a friend last night about it before going out and our conversation was pretty inspiring.  Essentially she said that we are young and allowed to be stupid and that if your heart doesn't hurt you can't grow.  She's right.

time

The 2 weeks I was away were difficult.  I am surprised though.  They were not difficult in a way where I felt like I needed to call him and talk to him and tell him I missed him.   They were difficult because I received 2 emails and a few texts from him saying how sorry he was and that he missed me.  I removed his number from my phone and honestly, getting those messages without a name or photo attached to them makes a huge difference.  The knife in my heart didn't turn as hard.  The pain was not there.  I am still unsure what I want.  I got home on Sunday and have been feeling really good.  I don't have that awful feeling in my stomach.  I miss him but it's not an in a painful aching way. 
I feel inspired to make things.  I feel creative and I want to make things.  It helps me.  It makes me feel better.  I am starting to see that I have been forgetting my talents on the back burner.  It's time for this to change.  I have big plans for next year.  I want to have my plate full.  I want to be involved in everything I possibly can.  I want to make a name for myself in my community and grow through this blog. 
I'm not in any hurry to make a decision on the boy stuff.  I can take my time.  I've waited around enough for him and it's my time.  I really believe 2013 is my year to make big things happen.  Let the lists begin!  Thank you for all the support and comments on the blog.  They are appreciated more than you may ever know! 

XOXO

brother

I have a little brother.  We are 4 years (sometimes 5 years) apart.  He is my best friend.  No one makes me laugh like he does.  We understand each other.  He knows me better than anyone else.  I had lunch with him today and it just made me realize that I miss him!  I LOVE YOU MAX! We are total photo hams so there are more pictures after the break!

final straw and this is done

Last night was the final straw.  I have given this person too many chances and accepted too many excuses.  I have second guessed myself and my value too many times and I am better than that.

So rewind to Monday.  Monday was supposed to be "our night" to hang out and spend time together because we aren't going to see each other for an entire month.  He had booked a show for his band that night so our night turned into-meet at his house for a quick bite before going to his show and then getting ignored the entire time by him.  I don't mean to sound needy and I don't normally care about that behavior at his shows because I understand that he is busy and nervous and stressed.  So my friends came.  Then the whole last post happened that night. (see jealousy)  I was upset.  He  called me names I don't deserve to be called.  It opened my eyes to how he really sees me.  He has made his judgment and it's incorrect.  He doesn't know me at all.  I was angry and acted out with my anger inappropriately.  I let it get the best of me.  It needed to happen to open my eyes and to see what I see now.  So last night I was an idiot and gave him another chance.  I should have been done a long time ago but it's hard when you love someone so much.  He booked another show that was down the street from where my friends and I were hanging out.   He said he would stop by and then bailed last minute and didn't even tell me until I asked him.  It hurt.  That was the last time we were going to see each other for a month and he couldn't make it happen.  I wasn't a priority.  I told him that it was important to me and that it mattered to me but he didn't care.  That's not love.

I went to a show last night with some friends.  Our mutual friends were playing in 2 of the bands (Green Line Operator and TK and the Irresistibles)  that were booked.  It was a really great time.  We danced and laughed and had a lot of fun.  At the end of the night someone reminded me that there are countless amounts of people who would love to spend time with me and my friends and that think I am great and don't need me to change for them.  Throughout the whole 2 years and 2 months of our relationship I lost that confidence in myself.  I started to believe that I was doing it all wrong and wasn't worthy of such great people.  I have been second guessing everything I do because of him and that's not who I am.

I began to realize that while I love being with him and I love him I have to give up way too much of myself to be with him.  I don't like spending time with him in certain situations and dread every other weekend when he would just disappear. (to take care of his child)  I wouldn't hear from him or see him at all during that time.  There is no future in that.
 
I am starting to feel more comfortable and okay with the idea of just being single.  The real kind of single.  Not "hanging out" with my ex single.  There was a conversation around the table last night with my friends about maturity and relationships.  It really struck me and had me thinking about what I really want in a relationship.  Honestly, what I want in a relationship is not something I am ready to have.  I'm not ready to settle down.  I'm not ready for any of that.  I'm just getting started!

I woke up today feeling a little sad but mostly feeling empowered.  I am 22 (almost 23) years old and I don't have a child or a husband or a boyfriend holding me back.  I can live anywhere I want and do anything I want.  I don't have to check in with anyone or worry about anyone else.  I am a little cynical in my thinking here because I know my life is something he wants.  He wants the freedom to do whatever whenever and live other places but he can't.  He will be stuck here for the rest of his life.

I am coming to terms with the fact that it's okay to still love someone so much but know it will never work out.  Realizing he's not who I want to be with doesn't make the feelings go away and I know I won't stop loving him automatically but it's the right thing to do.  My feelings will only disappear with time and a lot of space.  I have lived with him.  I have taken care of his child.  This is all serious stuff.  The intensity of our relationship was extreme. Yet, the desire has fizzled out.  I don't find myself wanting him in the way I used to.

It's time for this to be really over.  It's time for my next chapter in life.
All means of contact have been deleted and I will be forced to be away for a month.
Here's to healing and moving on.

jealousy

Jealousy is an awful trait.  Last night I went out with  my best friend and our other girlfriend was performing at the venue we were at.  So we all spent time together.  The girl who was performing brought one of her really good guy friends with her.  When she had to go prepare to perform we hung out with her guy friend.  It seemed like he didn't know anyone else and we were just sitting around a bar having a beer.  We were all just joking around and having a great time.  It was a completely platonic encounter with a guy.  When I meet people I consider them my friend.  Maybe I am too trusting?  Maybe not.  I feel like the right thing to do is give everyone an opportunity to be a part of your life as a friend.  I mean how can someone decide that they don't want to make anymore friends for the rest of their life?  That seems crazy.  Anyway, after the show I was yelled at and told that I was a slut and that I was flirting with this person by the person I WANT to be with.  It's not right.  I was angry because I know I didn't do anything wrong.  He makes a judgement of a person before he even speaks to them.  He saw me sitting with 2 girlfriends and one guy and immediately decided that I was being disrespectful.  This isn't the first time this has happened.  I was upset.  I was angry.  I was more than angry.  I can't even think of a word to fit the emotion I was feeling.  I don't know how many times I can remind him that he is the only person I want to be with.  He's the only guy that matters.  All I want is to spend time with him.  All I want is to be with him and have fun with him.  Last night was supposed to be a night where him and I spent time together.  I waited around for him but he chose to hang out with other people.  So instead of getting angry, sad, and to avoid feeling let down, I spent time with my friends. This post is extremely scattered.  That's how I am feeling right now.  I'm scattered and confused on what I want.  I leave in 2 days and will not see him for a month.  I think this will give me some perspective.  I hope it does.  I need answers and I know they will only come from myself.  

mucho mucho bueno bueno: DIY: An American Tote

mucho mucho bueno bueno: DIY: An American Tote: I am currently obsessed with these girls and their blog.  They have incredible effortless style and their hair is something to be envious of.  I love all their DIY's and will be making most of them. 

mucho mucho bueno bueno: HOW TO MAKE BUENO BUENO FEATHER HEADBANDS

mucho mucho bueno bueno: HOW TO MAKE BUENO BUENO FEATHER HEADBANDS:Follow this link to an amazing tutorial on how to make a gorgeous feather headband.  I will be making one of these tonight after I finish up my current dream catcher project! 

willpower

I lack willpower when it comes to some things.  I can't decide if I made the right decision.  I always have this aching hope that people will get better, they will change, they will improve.  Most of the time I am wrong.  Why do I still remain hopeful? 

ovewhelming

There are a lot of things happening in my life.  There are a lot of things I am looking forward to.  There is a lot for me to be thankful for.  I am trying to bring back that excited feeling I used to get when a new opportunity would present itself.  I feel like I am just running through the motions of life and doing the bare minimum so that everyone thinks I am okay.  I nod and smile but I don't participate.  I just feel like I can't.  It's my own damn fault for putting myself through this again but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  I am tired of breaking.  I am tired of fighting.  I want nothing more than for life to make sense.

Last night I received an incredible gift from an old friend.  We were best friends but in the end of the relationship I wasn't a very nice person and didn't give anyone a chance to explain themselves.  I always get this awful feeling of sadness and disappointment when I look back on situations involving conflict.  I am always the bad guy.  I always react without thinking it through.  I am impatient and want answers and resolution immediately.  Why do I push away the people who love me?  Why do I make it so hard for people to love me?

I'd like to snap out of this.  Any day now, please?  I leave next week for a work trip and I will be gone for 2 weeks.  I hope I can take that time and turn it into something therapeutic and reflect a little on what my life has become and the path I am on.